Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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