i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
tell me about the eggs
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