Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
