I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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