I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I think i got beer on your cat.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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