I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
