My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
