the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You are a genius and a whore.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
