I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
