There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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