Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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