I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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