Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
