words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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