I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
