I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
