i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
