PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
