Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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