I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
