it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
