Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Its about making memories worth repressing
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
