I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
