I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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