I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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