Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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