I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
