Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
