New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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