Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
