Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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