She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
