You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
