I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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