I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
