my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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