I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
