Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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