i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
