I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
