Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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