just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
