I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
