I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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