the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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