My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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