First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
