Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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