Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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