I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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