My sheets look like a crime scene.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
