Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
