strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
