11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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