i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
