I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
