It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
