If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
