I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
