I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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